Best Financial Jokes of 2009

From the National Post. Not many true accounting jokes.

Timothy Geithner was out jogging without his guards. All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.The masked man said “Give me all your money!”Unwilling to do so, Geithner said, “You can’t do this, I’m the US Federal Treasury Secretary!”The man then replied,... “Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!”

Bank of America-Merrill Lynch has adjusted its investment portfolio: 50% cash and 50% canned goods

Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion. - Jimmy Fallon

Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations. - Jay Leno

Banks want to return $68 billion in bailout money to the government. They were upset at all the hidden fees

I have an uncle down at Wall Street. He used to have a corner on the market. Now he has a market on the corner.

General Motors claims its new electric car the Chevrolet Volt can get up to 230 mpg in city driving. Unfortunately, in order to do so the car must first be plugged into the back of a city bus.

Lego reported a 60% rise in profits for the first six months of 2009 as it said parents were turning to its building blocks during a recession, both as toys for their children and as a basis for new homes after losing their old ones to foreclosure.

The courts allowed the bankruptcy proceedings for Chrysler to go forward. The bankruptcy was approved after the judge told Chrysler to sit in a room for a few minutes while the judge went to talk to his manager.

Barack Obama, who has a reputation for being a hands-on president, said he will not get involved in the day-to-day operations of the auto company. Obama may not take the wheel of GM, but he plans to be an annoying, backseat driver.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker’s wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!”

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out).

Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?God: Like one second.Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?God: Like one penny.Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?God: Just a second ...

Pfizer is offering free drugs including Viagra for those who recently lost their jobs. Good to see the private sector and not just government providing a “stimulus package.”

Organizers of the “Buick Open” have assured the press that there are no hard feelings towards GM for their decision to end sponsorship, and that from now on the event will simply be referred to as the “Toyota is BIGGER than GM Open”.

David Letterman’s Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today in Prison
10. Has it been 150 years yet?
9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?
8. Which way to the penthouse cell? 7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin Kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?
6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?
5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?
4. I’d like the truffle-crusted halibut.
3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools’ prank that just got out of control?
2. Will someone TiVo “America’s Got Talent” for me for the next 149 years?
1. Is it ok if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?

"Anybody ever been in prison? Bernie Madoff, the nasty, awful swindler, he's going to be there for 150 years. You know what he did? He hired a prison consultant. I think it's Martha Stewart." - David Letterman